BRIAN KELLY — Look, Kandy, you know the rules. When Father Jenkins and the Regents are here it’s like your First Communion, OK? Thong and pasties at all times! Jesus H Christ! What the f*** were you thinking!!?? Now stop crying and get me another double Crown Royal, like a good girl! And Kandy for Christ sake! Light on the f***ing ice this time, OK?
JACK SWARBRICK — Hi everyone, and welcome to Coach Kelly’s Live From The Penguin Lounge here in beautiful South Bend, Indiana, home to Sweetness Brown’s Partay Favors, Wraps, and Fuk-All at 120 Main Street, where the old Greyhound Bus station used to be, kitty corner from Placenta’s Natty Nails ‘N Dollar Store across the street from Abu’s Jerusalem of the Gold. Hey, Y’All! When It’s Time To Partay, Let Sweetness Do Y’all Bitches Right! And remember, tell ’em Coach Kelly sent you! You’ll be glad you did!
Well, Coach, a lot of folks are wondering — myself included — what went wrong against Ball State Saturday? I think it’s fair to say that in a tune-up game with a MAC-10 opponent we should have covered the 34.5 point spread rather than barely eking out a win in a game we came very close to losing.
Your coaching mistakes — once again — cost me, our major donors, and the Holy Cross Fathers a lot of money, Coach.
BRIAN KELLY — We’ll be ready for Ball State, Jack. Remember — I built this team to compete in the MAC-10. Even though the inter-squad scrimmage was a little rough, we were able to isolate some issues Brandon has actually throwing the ball long AND accurately — you always have that problem with your colored quarterbacks — and we’ll work on those issues this week in practice.
JACK SWARBRICK — Coach, the Ball State game was this past Saturday.
BRIAN KELLY — (Thanks, Kandy. Perfect!) Wait — What? We play them on the 15th. I wrote that down somewhere. Kandy! Let me see your left breast again! There it is Jack, look! BSU, 9/15. That’s my Sharpie! (Thanks, Honey).
JACK SWARBRICK — Well, you got it wrong. We played them on 9/8 and almost lost. To a MAC-10 school, Brian. 
BRIAN KELLY — What the fu . . . . Well, I guess that explains the white uniforms and the red and white helmets then!
That’s f*cking hilarious! And don’t start getting all up in my face! It was an honest mistake, OK? Just like your honest mistake with Nassar. And I’m keeping up my part of the deal and slowly but surely dismantling the program — so what’s the big woop? (Sweet Jesus! Look at that new redhead swinging on the pole!) That’s right, work it, Baby!
JACK SWARBRICK — The “big deal” is that you’re not supposed to make it look so god-damned obvious! After the sh!tshow that was Ball State, I’m getting angry emails from alumni asking me if the ND Athletics Department has a 25th amendment!
BRIAN KELLY — For Christ sake, Jack, the alumni are stupider than I thought they were. They repealed prohibition years ago, OK? And I only drink on the sidelines when we make a first down, which isn’t often. Reread my god-damned contract! You want the losses to look more convincing — get me a white quarter-back who can run like a colored boy. God-damn it — a f*cking perfect Brass Monkey. On the first try! Did you see that, Jack?! Did we pay for those, Honey! We did?! (Best 12 grand I ever spent, Jack!)
JACK SWARBRICK — Well, Coach, Miss Dallas our engineer is waving at me, so I guess we’ve run out of time once again. That’s our show for tonight, folks — Ball State, Notre Dame, and does Notre Dame Football need a 25th Amendment!
I’m Jack Swarbrick, helping Coach Kelly shake down some thunder here at the original Penguin Lounge 1212 North Bendix Street. Open every day from noon until 2:00 AM, new shows every hour on the half hour. No cover, no minimum. This week featuring a Penguin Lounge favorite, the lovely, “in-double-D demand” Miss Kandy Kane! Remember, guys, come early, stay late, and bring plenty of dollar bills. Coach Kelly and I always do!
So long, everyone!
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 