Very Ersatz News Sports

Man Who Identifies as Lesbian Denied Tryout With Oakland Gertrude Steins

VEN (SAN FRANCISCO) — Marty Piletti, a former doorman at the legendary Mitchell Brother’s O’Farrell Theatre, was so inspired by Bruce now Caitlyn Jenner’s dramatic transformation from athlete to politician (“Caitlyn was my hero when I was a kid, I mean I still have three unopened Wheaties Boxes on my dresser!”), that he decided it was time to “come out of the closet,” go for the gold, and embrace his non-cis-gendered feminine side.

“I like women, and I really like women’s softball,” the short, stocky Mr Piletti told VEN‘s Senior Paraphilic Correspondent Renee Richards Friday, “but I’m shy.  So I have a hard time talking to the ladies. Then one day I read about Caitlyn running for governor and I thought hey, you know, maybe it’s finally time for me to come clean about who I really am!”claire-allen-718x1024

At which point Mr Piletti “knocked back a rack of  Red Hook,” then updated his TINDER profile describing himself as a self-identifying Lesbian fast-pitch enthusiast looking for a nice girl and a chance to tryout with the four-time NPF world champion Gertrude Steins.

“A lot of my pals are into the As or the Giants, but for me nothing in the world compares to woman’s softball.  I could identify with them — not only did they look just like me, but we had the same off-field interests — drinking beer, working on tractors and car transmissions, watching reruns of Maude, and of course always with an eye out for the ladies!  I guess that sounds sort of, I don’t know stereotypical, but to me it was like a dream come true!  

But that dream was dashed when the 52-year-old Mr Piletti showed up for tryouts with the Gertrude Steins in April, only to be told — in his case — there was no there there.

“They wouldn’t let me on the field!  And the manager, Libby Schaaf, she spit tobacco juice at me!

napolitano
Four-time league MVP and former Gertrude Stein’s player/manager, NPF legend, Janet Napolitano.

“I mean I could practice till the cows come home, but I could never become a Barry Bonds or a Willy Mays, but I felt that if I stuck with it,  I really had a legitimate shot at becoming the next Janet Napolitano!

“At the end of the day, I may not be a Gertrude Stein, but in my heart of hearts I will always be a lesbian — they will never take that away from me!”

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