VEN (SOUTH BEND) — Fighting Irish Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick sent out a tweet at 6:15 PM EST Friday — with a simultaneous post on LGBTQ+ dating app Grindr — announcing the hiring of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as the next head coach of the Notre Dame football program, replacing Marcus Freeman who replaced Brian Kelly who replaced Ed Orgeron as head coach of LSU.

While Defensive Coordinator Marcus Freeman was initially promoted to head coach to replace Kelly in early December, AD Swarbrick told VEN that Freeman — a former Ohio State football player who met Swarbrick during a botched carjacking outside the Penguin Lounge in late February 2020 — was only too happy to step down to accommodate Mrs Clinton after The Clinton Foundation reportedly gifted him a Waffle House franchise directly across the street from the world-renown Jay’s Oriental Lounge in neighboring Niles, Michigan.

“Look,” AD Swarbrick told reporters Saturday morning. “I don’t care what the Chicago Tribune is reporting, there was absolutely no coercion whatsoever. Everything was completely above board. If there’s one thing Marcus loves as much as football, it’s waffles. So this was really a win/win for everyone!”

Mrs Clinton, who will fly to South Bend on Sunday to meet with coaches and players, is expected to bring in fastpitch softball legend and Oakland Gertrude Stein Hall of Famer Janet Napolitano as her assistant head coach, and — in a surprise move — current Biden Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg as head of player development.

“Pete’s got some really great non-cis-gendered green-focused ideas,” an exuberant Mr Swarbrick, explained, “including a 2-hour half-time salute to Judy Garland during our first home game against Marshall in 2022, and — this is really exciting — updated 21st-century LGBTQ-friendly uniforms from the Ru Paul Shake Down Some Dat Thunder, Girl! collection featuring sequined, gold lamé, glow-in-the-dark Johnny Depp rough trade electric ass chaps which — if everything goes according to plan — will augment the stadium lights during night games!”

Mrs Clinton issued a brief statement, saying how thrilled she is to be in a position to transform Notre Dame football into a more inclusive, diverse and transformative experience for women, women of color, and the marginalized LGBTQ+ community “who have been repeatedly flagged unfairly and kept on the sidelines of college football despite having so much to offer besides great fashion sense!”

“Father Jenkins and I agree that it’s high time to get past the stultifying toxic masculinity associated with traditional men’s sports like football. After all Notre Dame means Our Lady, and we need more of our ladies both on and off the football field! Whereas I’m honored to be the first cis-gendered female football coach at Notre Dame, I’m actually shocked that it took so long for a woman to be named head coach here. It’s been long overdue!”

Mrs Clinton said her first job as head coach will be to petition the NCAA rules committee to lengthen the huddle to 10 minutes to allow full representation by all players, coaches, band members, cheerleaders, representatives from the ACLU, and diversity czars before each play “because it’s the right thing to do! We want to hear from all stakeholders before calling each play — to make sure we get it right the first time!”

Mr Swarbrick denied rumors that both Tommy Reese and Marcus Freeman have reached out to Brian Kelly and intend to join him at LSU, as soon as they learn how to day drink and dance like a crack addict just before he ODs, a new tradition introduced to LSU by Mr Kelly after he was hit by lightening outside the Double Deez Club lagging for quarters with Miss Fifi, life coach DeVonte “Mr Fabulous” Biggens, and several of the bartenders after hours.

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