VEN (WASHINGTON) — In a bizarre statement to reporters Friday during a spontaneous WebEx press conference from her self-quarantine headquarters in the Presidential Suite of the Mayflower Hotel, unprepossessing, cognitively-challenged, outspoken Freshman Congresswoman and winner of the esteemed international Mr Ed Lookalike Contest, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), asserted that while many people — herself included — find black people “adorbs” and
great dancers and basketball players, “unfortunately we must face the sobering reality that despite their many charming qualities, black people are, like, you know, such a constant reminder of slavery — much more so than Confederate statues and monuments — and like just looking at them — even on TV like on black-ish — can so TOTALLY trigger some really bad negative emotions and like seriously make the COVID-19 virus so much more worse and deadly than it already is!”
Fellow Squad member and POC Ayanna Pressley, who — after several unsuccessful attempts to connect to WebEx, eventually dialed into the press conference — agreed with Ms Cortez, explaining that looking at herself in the mirror reminded her so much of slavery that out of frustration she eventually shaved her head so she could look more like Kojak, the bald Greek television detective played by Telly Savalas in the late 20th-century crime drama of the same name.
“But it didn’t work. It was so discouraging. I just ended up looking like Charles Barkley in drag!”
Ms Cortez and Ms Pressley — along with fellow Squad members Ihan Omar and Rashida Talib — are sponsoring a “Stop Harshing My Mellow” bill to incent black Americans with $100,000.00 and a box of Twizzlers to relocate to Greenland “so,” as an emotional Ms Pressley explained, “the healing can begin.”
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