VEN (SAN FRANCISCO) — While laying a wreath at what she referred to as the “tomb of the undocumented immigrant” Saturday, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi’s unsteady gait and slurred speech fueled speculation that the former Soul Train dancer and 60’s party girl was suffering the ill affects of the same unfortunate pox that afflicted Candide advisor and renown  Leibniz apologist Dr Pangloss, known throughout 18th-century Europe as the greatest philosopher of the Holy Roman Empire.

In her best-selling autobiography Cunégonde’s Tale (Random House, 2019), the Speaker of the House explains how — as the San Francisco Democratic National Convention Host Committee chairwoman in 1984 — she would frequently trade sexual favors for trips to Pakistan and Alameda, which at the time was “common practice” among the young political smart set in the Bay City, encouraged by Harvey Milk and his then lover and soon-to-be-Senator Dianne (née David) Feinstein, before her sex change operation in Taiwan.

“I have never in my life, even after my breakup with Don Cornelius, harvested mercury from hospital thermometers,” a defiant Pelosi told reporters outside trendy Lazy Bear restaurant, Friday evening, before stumbling over a homeless man and falling face-first onto the pavement.

“I think the president is hiding something somewhere.  And it looked like maybe he had placed something of importance to Mr Nadler’s committee in a crack in the sidewalk right here next to my head.

“But upon closer inspection he must have removed it already.  Whatever it was.  It’s hard for me to tell — even at this close proximity — because as you all know, I can’t read Russian!”

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