BRIAN KELLY — Persia, I told you before — I have no control over your goddamn H1-B Visa. Just don’t vote anymore and move around a lot, OK? And stop using your real name. Now get me another Crown Royal. And Persia for Christ Sake easy on the fu**ing ice this time!
RON POWLUS — Hi everyone! I’m former Notre Dame QB Ron Powlus filling in for Jack Swarbrick tonight. Welcome everybody to Coach Kelly’s Live From The Penguin Lounge here in beautiful South Bend, Indiana, home to Smooth Velvet Jackson’s House Of Smooth, 1220 Main Street, just across the street from the old JC Penny’s building, where the original Greyhound Bus Station used to be. Remember, ballers, every Wednesday is Manhattan Chill night — if your bitch be flashin’ then y’all get in for free. And tell ’em Coach Kelly sent you! You’ll be glad you did!
Well, Coach, we’re number three in the FBS rankings behind Georgia and Alabama, as the team travels to Miami Saturday to take on the Hurricanes. If we win out, we probably play for the National Championship. But first we have to beat Miami.
BRIAN KELLY — Hey, moron. (Thanks, Persia. Just right this time) That Velvet son-of-a-b!ch is our f***ing competition. Why the f*** is he advertising on my show?
RON POWLUS — I don’t know anything about that, Coach. I just read what they gave me.
BRIAN KELLY — Like you read defenses when you played for Lou? I saw the films, Fatboy. You sucked worse than that white kid who played for me a few years ago. I can’t even remember his name. I called him PBC, short for Peanut Butter Cup. He really sucked!
RON POWLUS — Tommy Reis? Are you talking about — he was a very good quarterback, Coach. I’m not sure what you’re getting at. I mean, you just hired him as your QB coach!
BRIAN KELLY — He was worse than the worst colored boy to play that position, OK? And you need to learn to shut the f*** up, Mr Three Heisman Trophies. I had nothing to do with that hire. By the way, how many Heismans did you win again, Fatboy, cause I forget. Oh, wait! None, right? You sucked so bad you f***ing ended Lou’s career at Notre Dame!
RON POWLUS — Look, Coach
BRIAN KELLY — No, you look, Ron. How the f^^ck did you get on my show anyway? DALLAS! Just what the F^^K is going on? Did you book this moron? Why the f^^k is this guy on my show?
MISS DALLAS — Now Brian, you need to calm the f**k down right now! After Jack left, and you made Manti cry when he subbed in, we’ve had trouble getting anyone to come on here. And that includes your boy toy VanGorder. So just chill the f^^k out and give Ronnie a chance. He’s doing just fine!
BRIAN KELLY — I’m on the verge of playing Alabama again for the National Championship and I have to take this kind of sh!t?? On my own f***ing show! From my goddamn engineer!
MISS DALLAS — You mean the enginner who is gonna kick your fat drunken Irish ass from here to Benton Harbor if y’all don’t SHUT THE F*CK UP right now and get on with your dumb-ass show! I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but you are 10 times worse than that other know-nothing fat ass white boy, Charlie Weiss! Now sit your ass down, motherf***a before I sit it down for y’all!
And here’s the 411, Killer — if y’all start callin’ plays this Saturday like you did with the Wake game an actin’ like you the coach again, those Miami boys are gonna kick your drunken ass right inta the damn Atlantic Ocean! You feel me, white boy?? You AIN’T the coach no more! You jess the figure head! Ronnie, read us the f**k out. I’m done with this cracker ass fool!
RON POWLUS — Wow! Well, ah, it looks like. I guess
MISS DALLAS — (Don’t you be lookin’ at me, Fat Man!) Go on, Ronnie. Just read us out now!
RON POWLUS — That’s our show for tonight, folks — the importance of not letting Coach Kelly do any real coaching if we expect to beat Miami Saturday.
I’m Ron Powlus helping Miss Dallas shake down some thunder here at the original Penguin Lounge 1212 North Bendix Street. Open every day from noon until 2:00 AM, new shows every hour on the half hour. No cover, no minimum. This week featuring the lovely Cinnamon Bunz, Miss Raybestos 2016! Remember, guys, come early, stay late, and bring plenty of dollar bills. Miss Dallas and I always do! So long, everyone!