VEN (PITTSBURGH) — For years rumors circulated around York, Pennsylvania that John Fetterman’s real name was John Festerman, and that he was in fact the love child of independently wealthy New York attorney Gomez Addam’s mother (known affectionately as Grandmama Addams) and her frequent consort, anarcho-terrorist Fester Frump — the uncle of Mr Addam’s wife Morticia — a rumor that Mr Fetterman has vigorously and repeatedly denied.
“I don’t know why he keeps denying it,” cousin Pugsley Addams told VEN‘s Senior Political Correspondent Hildy Johnson, Wednesday. “He taught me how to pull the wings off of flies! We blew up mailboxes together! Chased girls with bullfrogs. And he would spend literally hours smoking hash with Thing and feeding goldfish to my pet octopus, Aristotle.”
Family butler Edward “Lurch” Considine agrees.
“Oh, he’s an Addams, alright. Fester used to take him on long walks through the various cemeteries near the estate, lecturing him on what he should do if he ever became a Senator, which was what Fester wanted him to do with his life.
“Let all the criminals out of prison, Fester would tell him. Legalize heroin. Make it illegal to vote in person. Just blow stuff up!
“You know he’s 6’8″. And I’m 6’9”. And so with all his I’m not Uncle Fester’s son stuff, people turned their attention to me. It was very upsetting to the family.
“Finally about a year ago, Mr Addams had had enough. He offered John a kilo of Moroccan hash if he’d take a DNA test. No surprise at all. 100% not me, 100% Addams.
“Like father like son, right down to making a lightbulb glow by putting it in his mouth!”
Developing . . . .