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VEN (WASHNGTON) — In remarks to reporters Thursday, a furious Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm stridently denounced “reckless, MAGA Republican climate deniers” who are intentionally taking deeper breaths than necessary “to increase the planet’s carbon monoxide load” at a time when “Mother Earth is suffering from a devasting case of post-partum depression.”

“We’re talking about a recklessness never before seen in the history of personkind!” Ms Granholm asserted. “It makes me so angry! Everyone needs to understand that we only get one shot at this, and if we fail it’s over forever.

“No matter how hard we try, once the average temperature reaches 140 degrees, we won’t be able to put that toothpaste back in the tube, because there won’t be a toothpaste tube to put it back into anymore! It will have melted!”

While the Secretary works with the EU and UN to get oxygen — which she considers an insidious silent killer — added to the list of major greenhouse gases, she offered suggestions on what we can do in the short term.

“First, everyone should carry a small, brown paper bag and breath into it. We call this the do-it-yourself rebreather. When you’re done re-breathing for the day, take the bag to your local recycling plant, so the air can be scrubbed of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon monoxide, and petro-chemicals and then safely released back into the atmosphere.

“Second, I’m pleased to announce that my agency is working hand and glove with Alibaba’s Daniel Zhang and some of the best engineers in Wuhan Province to create a carbon footprint mask (CFM) — which into the bargain, will also double as a barrier to COVID-19 — how cool is that!

“The CFM will track the amount of air you breath each day, and wirelessly transmit this information to the IRS.

“Third, STOP EXERCISING! This one needs no explanation.

“And fourth, hold your breath for as long as possible to ensure that you are getting maximum air benefit (MAB) from — as my good friend Bono would say — every breath you take!

“The CDC guidelines on this for adults and children over 2 years of age are to work your way up to 5 minutes without breathing or until you turn blue or pass out — whichever comes first!”

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