VEN (MILWAUKEE) — A furious, disoriented, adrenochrome-fueled President Joe Buttons addressed an enthusiastic crowd estimated at several hundred thousand million union workers in Milwaukee Monday, explaining that with some well-timed human sacrifices (“you want to cut that still beating heart right out of them, no messing around, OK, and then you immediately offer it up to Baal, because — excuse me — like the Uzbeks used to do in Cancun”) we can “turn the corner” on inflation and start making some real progress shutting down a “racist, outdated, fossil fuel economy” driven by MAGA Republican right wing extremists “who want to prevent you from having sex with your dog or showering with your daughter or watching Anime pornography with your son! AND THAT’S NOT WHO WE ARE!“
The President also announced that starting in 2023, anyone making less that $400,000.00 will be required to list on their tax form how much money they have given to the Ukraine.
“And it better be a BIG number, OK? In fact, if it’s not at least 10% of your gross income — that means before deductions (and you Catholics out there you know what I’m talking about, right?) you’ll be subject to fines and imprisonment.
“Let me repeat that — fines and imprisonment! Up to 10 years!
“I can’t tell you any more than that, we’re still working out the details, but we expect every American to do his or her or their part, number one.
“And number two, this is the only way we can save our democracy from those right wing MAGA extremists who want to take us backwards to a balanced budget that will put millions of undocumented Americans out of work, make it impossible for us to send billions and billions and billions of taxpayer money to our friends and allies with numbered bank accounts in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands, and — of course — make it almost impossible to offshore manufacturing jobs like yours to places like Mexico, China, and Taiwan!”
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