VEN (WASHINGTON, DC) — After banning the traditional Latin Tridentine Mass, referring to it as a “bunch of white-supremacist jibber jabber that displeases Baal,” the Archbishop of Washington, Cardinal Wilton Daniel Gregory shocked the faithful again Monday by announcing that he will hold a concelebrated Black Mass with Church of Satan High Priestess Karla LaVey “as soon as we can find a virgin.”
“Catholic means all points of view, OK?” the Archbishop explained to VEN‘s Senior Ecclesiastical Correspondent Malachi Martin. “And that’s what we shootin’ for here. Ain’t nobody got a problem with a few sacrificial goats. And if they do, well, they can go become Lutherans!”
The Archdiocese of Washington, which encompasses the District of Columbia and the counties of Calvert, Charles, Montgomery, Prince George’s and Saint Mary’s in the state of Maryland, also informed parishioners that effective immediately armed IRS agents will be stationed at the end of each pew to ensure that forms 8283 are filled out correctly for each donation.
When asked if that would prolong the Mass unnecessarily, an archdiocese spokesperson told VEN “that’s what you got a rosery for.”
“Many are complaining about the presence of armed IRS agents during Mass,” the Archbishop explained to reporters Monday. “More so than complaints about our intention to say Black Masses, I might add.
“Let me just say this — we need to render up to Caesar what is Caesar’s. That ain’t me sayin’ that, OK? That’s Jesus sayin’ that.
“If you’re one of those white MAGA Republican extremist xenophobic Latin-mass-loving tax-cheat insurrectionists, well I got news for you — either you pay your fair share, or you risk invoking the everlasting and terrifying wrath of Satan, the ruler of this world!”
“So if I were you, I’d bring my form 8283 to Mass, and I’d fill it out correctly!”
Developing . . . .