VEN (WASHINGTON) — Following his Satanic speech to the nation Thursday evening vilifying so-called MAGA Republicans as enemies of the state, President Buttons announced early Saturday that he will be issuing an executive order Monday, requiring all American parents to sacrifice their first born male children to the Canaanite god of discord Baal, “so that the healing can begin.”
As VEN’s Special Demonic Correspondent and author of the current New York Times best seller Showers With My Daughter — Incest, Pedophilia, and Dementia in the Buttons White House, Jack Parsons explains that the President intends to have FEMA set up King of Demons Ritual Sacrifice Centers (KDRSCs) in participating Walgreens and CVS drug stores, which are being incented by the Clinton Foundation to give parents a 10% coupon on their next purchase of a hair-care product of their choice once the sacrifice has been completed and certified by a specially-trained CDC representative as pleasing to Baal.
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre denied rumors that this executive order was some sort of adrenochrome-harvesting scheme and told reporters that the President is expecting that all Americans, including extremist insurrectionist MAGA Republicans, will do their part.
“Look, I want to be very clear about this. We NEED to please Baal. That should be clear to everyone by now. This is something that this administration is passionately committed to.
“Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg and his husband are consulting with diabolists in the LGBTQIA+ community to determine which twin they will sacrifice.
“And as for me, my partner and I are currently thinking very seriously about adopting a baby boy so we can do our part and deliver him up to Baal to help save the Ukraine, the planet, and make America a country where right-wing extremism — which as everyone knows angers the dark satanic powers that rule this world and is not at all pleasing to Baal — will finally be a thing of the past!”
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