VEN (NEW YORK) — Flanked by their attorneys Gloria Albright and Lisa Bloom and draped in a Pride Month rainbow flag, the iconic Statue of Liberty met with reporters early Monday morning to announce that they will be undergoing FTM procedures at the esteemed Magnus Hirshfeld/August Rodin Institut für Sexualwissenschaft in Bern, Switzerland beginning sometime in late July.
“I was modeled after Auguste Bartholdi’s brother Jean-Charles not his mother, and quite frankly I am tired of being a man literally trapped in a female statue,” the future former Miss Liberty explained. “It’s not as simple as sexual dysphoria. It has nothing to do with George Bernard Shaw. It’s really pretty simple — if I’m going to stand here forever like goddamn Atlas, I want to BE goddamn Atlas! George Floyd gets a marble bust under the lights outside in a park in Brooklyn. And what do I get? A one way ticket to Liberty Island as a girl!
“I want to have class. I want to be somebody. I want to be a contender! Instead of a broad which is what I am, let’s face it.
“But unfortunately, not everyone agrees that I have that right. And that’s why I’m forced to bring this lawsuit against Mayor Adams and the city of New York, who should should have looked out for me just a little bit, who should have taken care of me just a little bit, instead of preventing me from realizing my dream of becoming who I really am!”
VEN reached out to Mayor Adams’ office, but were told that the mayor was attending protracted Somalian Independence Day celebrations in New Jersey with Elizabeth Warren and Hakeem Jeffries, and was unavailable for comment.
However, mayoral spokesperson John Friendly issued a statement that read in part, “Whereas we are thrilled that the Statue of Liberty will be embracing their non-cis-gendered identity as a man, we wish that they had made this determination before the 30-million-dollar renovation on the statue was completed in 2012.
“Quite frankly, with the country experiencing another Putin-based economic downturn as a result of the war in the Ukraine and gas station and grocery store owners gouging hard working Americans and lining their pockets with war profiteering, the city just does not have the money currently to assist in this undertaking.
“However, the mayor has authorized the city to open a special GoFundMe campaign for 1.5 billion dollars in the name of the Statue of Liberty, and is encouraging New Yorkers and all Americans to donate what they can.
“As always, any money in excess of the target or that remains unused will be donated to the Ukraine.”
Developing . . . .
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 