VEN (TEXAS) — From Galveston to Houston, dogs and cats started to go missing in late 2005, and several cows were found mutilated and drained of blood on farms outside of Beaumont in the summer of 2006.
And since then, it’s only gotten worse!
“We thought it was space aliens or a chupacabra at first,” longtime Houston resident Lilly Farnsworth told VEN‘s Senior Political Correspondent Rollo Tomasi Friday.
“But then the howling started. Only during a full moon. It was blood curdling!
Lily’s friend Martha Bettis agrees.
“One night during a full moon I saw this car, a Bentley I believe, screech to a halt outside my house. A crazy man jumped out and started chasing a squirrel around my front yard! Then he looked right at me, tilted his head back, and literally howled at the moon!
“Scared me to death! And he looked like, well, I shouldn’t say this out loud, but the creature I saw that night chasing that squirrel looked just like our Congressman! And I voted for him!”
“That’s when my son,” Ms Farnsworth added, “an expert on what they call larping and cosplay, told us that Congressman or no Congressman, we had to get a gun with silver bullets and start a neighborhood watch!
“The DNC and the media must have known he was a werewolf, and instead of launching an investigation or reporting on it, they covered up for him!
“Now you can’t find a dog, a cat, a raccoon, a squirrel, or even a nutria rat anywhere in the 9th District!
“It’s gotten so bad, people are afraid to go out after dark when there’s a Congressional recess!”
Congressman Green dismissed the werewolf accusations as “more preposterous posturing by the corrupt, illegitimate Trump Administration. I am no more a werewolf than Golda Meir!”
However, Mr Green’s office refused to comment on invoices that were sent to the Congressman over a period of 10 years (and obtained by VEN after filing a FOIA request with the Government Accounting Office) for a series of exotic Austrian Black Forest lycanthropic depilatories and three Vatican-certified Tom Vu “Platinum Tier” exorcisms in Nigeria and Thailand costing tax payers in excess of $200,000.00 (USD).
Developing . . . .