You Know It Ain’t Easy. Yoko At 85 — Even Now At My Age I Still Think I Can Make Some Band Very Unhappy!

VEN (NEW YORK) — “She was standing right next to him. Right next to him! But not so much as a scratch! I still can’t believe it! Every single bullet Chapman fired only hit John!” — distraught John Lennon fan at Strawberry Fields in Central Park Sunday.

lennon fan

The woman everyone loves to hate, Yoko Ono, who turned 85 in February, is set to release a tell-all autobiography in late August chronicling her extraordinary influence on pop culture over the last 62 years.

“When I was 23,” Ms Ono explained to VEN‘s Senior Entertainment Correspondent Sidney Falco in an exclusive interview Sunday at her spacious apartment in the legendary Dakota on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, “I sent Jerry Lewis several telegrams and some ‘artistic’ Polaroids of myself in shower — Why you need Italian singer in your act with funny voice? I tell him. You only one people pay to see!

liz and dick

“And that is how it all began!”

The self-styled breakup artist to the stars claims to be the driving force behind the dissolution scores of bands and personal relationships including:

  • Buddy Holly and The Crickets (only Buddy have talent, why he need those other losers?)
  • Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor (She get fat, eat too much. Then no man want her. One night with me at Savoy, Richard forget all about her forever!)
  • The Spice Girls (I tell Slutty Spice, you carry group. Everyone else just B-side of Bangles single!)cobain
  • Nirvana (Courtney want out of relationship, I tell her trash Kurt music, say he have no talent, never have talent, let drugs and low self-esteem do rest! Same thing I did with John. Besides, Foo Fighters much better band!).

Surprisingly, Ms Ono does not take credit for breaking up perhaps the most famous band of all time, The Beatles!

linda eastman

“That was Linda Kodak. She very bad. Could not play cow bell. Paul want her on every song. With cow bell. George give her tambourine, turn off mic. Ringo steal cow bell, try push her off Apple rooftop before band play Get Back.

“I tell John, if she play cow bell then I sing. And that was that. Then everyone blame me!”

And who is she setting her sights on now?

“I think U2 not so good anymore. Bono better off as solo act. Maybe BeyoncĂ© could use new husband?

Mercurial as ever, Ms Ono refuses to answer questions about her role (rumored to have been substantial) in Brexit and the potential breakup of the entire EU (Maybe talk to Theresa May? Or Jean-Claude Juncker? Who by the way, makes love like a salamander.)

And what about all the rumors that child-star Corey Feldman is her not-so-secret love child with bad-boy HIV-positive actor Charlie Sheen?

yoko ono-2

“Oh — No comment! I never EVER discuss personal life!

“Besides, look closer!

“Corey look more like Janet or La Toya Jackson than me!

john yoko hill

“As I used to tell John, if I ever had love child he would look like Bert Reynolds or — and this really make John mad — my one true soulmate of all time, Hillary Clinton!”

Developing . . . .