VEN (ATLANTA) — It’s 12:15 and the popular all-you-can-eat luncheon buffet at PJ’s is in full swing, as VEN‘s Senior Political Correspondent Thurston Howell makes his way through the boisterous throng of diners and well-wishers to join gregarious, charismatic Democrat Gubernatorial Candidate Stacey Abrams at her private booth at the far end of the dining room, near the roiling open-flame kitchen and the wide-screen TV always set to CNN.
“Precious Lord,” Ms Abrams jokes as she reaches across the table to shake hands, “take my hand where you stand and please — move it ‘way from the Crispy Fries!”
Her hearty, deep-throated laugh is engaging.
“I heard y’all VEN people like to make fun of liberals and people of color and homos and such, but I had my people read your stories and they tell me y’all are fair, so that’s why I agreed to this interview.
(She leans forward whispering)
“That and the $2500.00 non-refundable contribution to my campaign of course. In cash! (she laughs). But seriously, y’all is picking up the check today, right? OK. I just making sure.
“Marcine! Honey, can y’all bring me some more those shrimps and another basket of buttered biscuits and those beer-batter fried honey bread rolls? Thank you, Baby!”
VEN — OK if we begin?
SA — Y’all have any Moonpies? No? (laughing) Then yes, let’s begin.
VEN — Ms Abrams, as you know, many are likening you to the next Barack Obama. For the first time in history you — a black woman — have the potential to become not only the first black governor of Georgia, but the first back governor ever in the United States!
My question — How do you reconcile your political success with the staggering amount of personal debt you’ve accumulated, some say in excess of $300,000.00 (USD), including over 50,000.00 in back taxes owed to the IRS?
Doesn’t that undermine your credibility as —
SA — You ever watch QVC, Mr Howell? (frowns) You ever get so excited about a pair zirconia-studded 24-carat imitation gold earrings or a new George Foreman Grill that cooks SIX hamburgers at a time that y’all just gotta have ’em both RIGHT NOW?
No, I didn’t think so. Cause if you had ever done that you’d know just how stupid your question is!
VEN — OK, fair enough. Point well taken. Apologies for that. To continue then.
You’re running on a platform that your Republican opponent calls “free stuff for everyone,” advocating for programs that even you admit will be very expensive to implement. How do you expect to pay for those programs?
SA — I’m glad you asked that! Thank you for that. Now that, Mr Howell, is a good question!
Well, as it turns out we are working with senior Bank of America A, B, and C-level executives to create a special, unique, very exclusive State of Georgia Governor’s Platinum VISA card which I will have at my disposal 24/7 to address all matters of a fiscal nature.
It will have an embossed Georgia State Seal AND a hologram of a peach tree!
VEN — So you’ll use a VISA card to pay for things like extended health-care?
SA — A Platinum VISA card, Yes!
VEN — And free college?
SA — Especially free college!
VEN — And the interest rate? What interest rate are they offering you?
SA — The most important thing, Mr Howell — and I can’t stress this enough — is that the card will not be plastic. Plastic gets you into trouble; I learned that in college.
No, this card will be made out of titanium! I made sure of that. And we can do balance transfers, use ATMs, and get cash back.
It also ties in with a frequent flier program and discounts on Amazon.com, Kay Jewelers, and The Waffle House. And it comes pre-loaded with $300.00 if we sign up for a smart phone with AT&T!
(Turning to her assistant) Y’all got any more cheese doodles in your purse?
VEN — One final question.
You’ve indicated that you want to remove the bas-relief on Stone Mountain depicting Jefferson Davis and Generals Jackson and Lee, something that people on both sides feel very strongly about.
Aside from — as your detractors would say — destroying a priceless work of art and erasing an important — though controversial — part of American history, how will you pay for such a massive project, assuming you can get it approved?
SA — ON. THE. PLAT. NUM. CARD! Apparently, Mr Howell, you weren’t listening. The VISA card will pay for everything.
And when we remove the bas-relief as you call it, we’re working on a special promotion with NETFLIX and SONY to show free movies and syndicated programs like Orange Is The New Black on the largest high-definition TV in the world!
You can synchronize it with your smart phone — or if you’re enrolled in our state-subsidized SIRIUS low-rate subscription program — get the sound right in your Lexus or BMW! Or in my case, my Bentley.
Three weeks of shower scenes and hot girl on girl women’s prison sex and I guarantee you the good ole boys’ll forget all about those three dead, cracker-ass, Confederate homos! (laughs)
Now are y’all gonna eat the rest of your Crispy Fries? No? (reaching for the fries) Then, Mr Howell, thank you very much, but Honey, this interview is over!