I Feel Pretty, Oh, So Pretty, I Feel Pretty And Witty And Bright!

VEN (NEW YORK) — Giddy, truth-challenged socialist naif and rumored Huma Abedin/Hillary Clinton love child Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez — who believes the United States should aspire to the impoverished, crime-ridden, rabi blanco juntas of Latin America — was forced to respond to criticism Sunday that not only is she not from the Bronx, as she claims, but she actually grew up in fashionable Westchester County.

“To all the haters who are trying so desperately to stop our glorious Communist revolution, I am not a liar!

“I was born in the Bronx, but at an early age my brother Hansel and I were abandoned in the forests of Westchester County and grew up in small, drafty 1000 square-foot gingerbread house with a leaky roof.

“We tried desperately to find our way back to the Bronx so we could live in the projects with the other Puerto Ricans, but unfortunately the pieces of pan de agua that I dropped to leave a trail were eaten by giant rats we could not see in the darkness!”


Senorita Ocasio-Cortez reminded reporters that when she was in high school, she had an asteroid named after her (23238 — La Princesita Loca) when she won second prize in the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair with a research project on nongender-specific microbiology and its effects on the Gini coefficient in emerging nations.

“The MIT people were VERY impressed with my erudition at such a young age!


“The male cis-gendered volcano I created was of papier-mâché taken from old copies of Juventud Rebelde, and I used ants to simulate villagers, so when I poured white vinegar into the crater filled with baking soda, the ants would flee as fast as they could from the simulated pyroplastic surge, thereby demonstrating the deleterious effects of white privilege on people of color in a repressive, capitalist society without open borders, free health care, free colleges, free iPads, and free contraceptives for women!”

Developing . . . .