BREAKING! Putin On Hot Mic — Trump Has Been On Kremlin Payroll For Years!

VEN (VIENNA) — On the heels of his disastrous meeting with Kim Jong-Un in which a clearly inept President Trump not only legitimized the tiny repressive hermit nation but offered to build  condominiums and golf courses for NOKO’s ruthless dictator, thanks to what many are calling a propitious technical malfunction, Mr Trump has finally been outed as a life-long agent of Russia!

“Donald is what you would call my bitch,” a smiling Vladimir Putin told Austrian journalist Armin Wolf during a commercial break in a televised interview earlier this month, not realizing his microphone was still turned on.

“Who do you think bailed out his Atlantic City casino?  Where do you think he got the money to buy Mar-a-Lago or build Trump Tower?  Fairies and elves?  You people are so naive!”

Mr Putin went on to chastise Mr Wolf for failing to recognize the vast historical influence that Russia has over the United States.

“How much plainer does it have to be?  Fast and Furious — that was us.  Pallets of US dollars to Iran, ISIS, the destruction of Libya, the Patriots winning Super Bowl LIII — all engineered by Russia.

“Yes, several clever journalists like yourself have argued that Obama was bankrolled by the Saudi’s but — at whose behest?

“Let me remind you that the deal was for 35% of the United States uranium, not 20%.  Mrs Clinton now has the rest of her life to contemplate that.

“I’m telling you with complete confidence that if it served our purposes we would get Pauly Shore elected president.  You’re smiling?  You think I’m joking?  Let me finish, please.

“Why do you think Prince Harry married a divorced American Jewish mulatto actress of questionable talent?

“Do you think it was an accident that Jack Dorsey, Twitter’s CEO, ate at Chick-fil-A?

“You’re shaking your head now presumably in disbelief.  How then, Mr Wolf, do you explain after 108 years the CUBS finally winning a World Series?

“I suppose you also believe that volcanoes like Kilauea in Hawaii erupt all by themselves?

“Or that Bruce Jenner — a gold medal Olympian — suddenly awoke one morning and decided at 65 to become a woman?

“I swear to God, you so-called journalists.  It’s like talking to a child!”