VEN (PARIS) — Smug, snarky, self-aggrandizing former junkie New York “celebrity chef” Anthony Bourdain, hung himself Thursday in his hotel in Paris in what appears to be yet another a case of celebrity auto-erotic asphyxia gone wrong.
“The list is so long,” one Hollywood insider told VEN’s Senior Auto-Erotic Correspondent Charles Runkle Friday.
“David Carradine, Albert Dekker, Michael Hutchence, Stephen Milligan, Vaughn Bodé, Kevin Gilbert, Robin Williams. And now Anthony Bourdain.
“In Bourdain’s case, of course, the guy was a total f**k up, so this isn’t all that surprising — but never-the-less whether you saw him as a douchebag or not, it was so unnecessary and so tragic and so preventable!”
“Now everyone’s wondering — who will be next?”
European Council president Donald Tusk issued a statement late Friday Brussles time, calling on all EU members to post safety instructions in every hotel in the EU explaining how to correctly engage in what is known colloquially as a “choke and stroke” to eliminate the possibility of another tragic accidental celebrity death.
“First, you must always — and I can’t stress this enough,” Mr Tusk explained to reporters, “You must ALWAYS have a buddy nearby in case something goes wrong. My buddy, for example, is Teresa May. She saved my life on two occasions, and I hers three times.
“Please understand — even though it’s called auto-erotic asphyxia, this is not something you should attempt on your own, no matter how experienced you think you may be!”
Echoing Mr Tusk’s concerns, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi announced Friday that she is authoring legislation to train America’s “undocumented immigrant replacement population” to become AEA Buddies for celebrities and politicians, in a unilateral program championed by the UNESCO, Planned Parenthood, and the Screen Actors Guild (SAG).
“Donald Trump wants more celebrities and politicians who are critical of his racist policies that benefit the top 1% to die of AEA. Well, I’m here to tell you Mr President, that’s just not going to happen!”
Additionally, post-modern visionary Elon Musk — known in the scientific community as the Edison of Tesla — announced that after a near-death experience of his own five years ago, he has been working on a “foolproof” AI program that entirely eliminates the dangers of killing yourself while engaging in AEA, and is seeking a 20 billion (USD) grant from the Federal Government to bring his vision to life.
Meanwhile, CNN — on whose network Mr Bourdain’s popular travel programs recently aired — has released the following PSA on their website stressing the dangers of unsupervised AEA:
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