VEN (WASHINGTON) — According to the Eagleton Chronicle, FOX News veteran and Pawnee Indiana native Leslie Knope told Dennis Feinstein at this year’s clerical-themed Harvest Fest gala in Indianapolis that she would shrimp five of Tom Haverford’s Snake Juice-infused toes if Mr Feinstein would consider her for the CEO job at FOX News, replacing beleaguered CEO Bill Shine, known to everyone as the lovable “Douche” of the top-rated drive-time duo “Crazy Ira And The Douche” which ran on Pawnee’s WFQY 93.7 FM in the mid 2000s.

Ms Knope — who arrived at the star-studded gala event dressed like Bathsheba in a mismatched surplice-themed crushed velveteen peter-pan collared Dress Barn gown with spry, chalk-white, classic arch-supported Dr Scholl’s orthopedic pumps from the Doctor’s legendary Durgin Park Collection — told reporters Thursday that whereas she and Mr Haverford are close friends from their time together at the Pawnee, Indiana Department of Parks and Recreation, she is in no way physically attracted to Mr Haverford, which — she reminded everyone — was made crystal clear in a minor arc in season three of their popular reality TV show, Parks And Recreation.

“Screw that crap-on-a-cob Eagleton rag!

“I got the FOX News CEO job based on merit and hard work over many many years at the network, and if you will all open your tabbed binders to page 243, I’ve made an 8-color fold-out personalized Gantt chart for each of you in the shape of a waffle that explains everything!”

Developing . . . .