VEN (SEATTLE) — An Alaskan Airlines passenger and devoted fan of the Kardashians lost his cool on a flight from Seattle to Anchorage Monday, when he read an article in the otherwise innocuous Alaska Beyond Magazine that raised questions about the paternity of celebrity thot Kylie Jenner’s baby, Stormi.
“First Kanye and now THIS! Kris, Kylie! How could you do this to me?! This is worse than The Kardashians Without Makeup!” the man screamed as he ripped off his clothes and began running up and down the aisle of the Boeing 737, vaulting the food carts and careening off of aisle seats, while repeatedly punching himself in the face and sobbing uncontrollably.
When two Air Marshals attempted to subdue him, the man barricaded himself behind carry-on luggage from the overhead compartments and began throwing his excrement at them while hopping up and down and — as one passenger described it — “affecting the determined mien of an enraged primate.”
“He gets like that sometimes,” the man’s father explained to authorities. “He used to work at the Monkey House at the San Diego Zoo until he became obsessed with the Kardashians, stopped showing up for work, and lost his job.
“The Zoo people had no choice, really. They had already moved him from the Aviary to the Monkey House after he binge-watched Brewster McCloud, thought he was a condor, and began upsetting the birds.
“The Monkey House was his last chance.
“My son has over 15 thousand hours of Kardashian content on his iPad. He’s addicted to Smoking Gun, E-News, and TMZ. When Bruce had sexual reassignment surgery we had to buy him an electric razor and hide all the knives in his apartment.
“I was taking him to Alaska, so he could decompress. And then this had to happen! You just can’t escape it — the Kardashians, they’re f***ing everywhere!”
According to authorities, while his father reasoned with him, the unruly passenger was ultimately subdued by Air Marshall’s who locked him in the lavatory with several old copies of Cosmopolitan until the plane landed.
At that point, the finally-calm but still hearbroken K-Family superfan was arrested without incident and taken into custody.
“He has low blood sugar and asked the flight attendant for a banana,” the father told reporters, “but I was afraid if they gave him a banana he would start acting out, like he did that one time at Universal Studios.
“Boy was I was wrong.
“You know, you try to do the right thing, but you end up feeling twice as foolish as Lamar Odem in Khloé & Lamar — I mean what the f*** was he thinking, doing that show with her? He must have been out of his mind!”
Developing . . . .