VEN (SEATTLE) — In an extraordinary exercise in virtue signaling, Starbucks will close 8000 stores in the United States on May 29 to immerse its employees in diversity awareness training.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson dismissed criticisms that the company caters to middle-class suburbanites, since their stores are almost excusively located in affluent white neighborhoods, and promised to counter that misconception by vowing to open one Starbucks store within 25 miles of an inner-city location every year until 2022 so that employees can experience diversity first hand.

“We are telling our employees that if black people decide to patronize our stores by doing what comes naturally to them — for example, bringing in food from MacDonald’s, drinking from their own bottles of Red Bull or DXM, smoking mentholated cigarettes, using the unisex bathroom to conduct personal business, or simply hanging out with friends and occasionally asking white and Asian customers for spare change — then that’s their prerogative.

“We have no intention of calling Five-0 as the kids say or making anyone in the Afro-American community feel unwelcome in any of our stores anywhere in the world.

“That’s why I’m proud to announce that effective immediately we are starting a new community reach-out (reach-out, right?) program for blacks in the inner city who can make it out to any of our locations using public transportation or — worst case scenario — a carjacking, which of course we would never recommend, even as a last resort, despite the overwhelming popularity of the practice in many poorly-lit gas stations in inner-city neighborhoods.

“Anyway, the program was suggested to me by the former Attorney General Eric Holder in collaboration with Rachel Dolezal and Shaun King.

“We’re calling it If You Black, Ima Give Y’all A Free Mini Latte Anna Sugary Snack.

“How cool is that, right? When I saw their presentation on this, I felt like it was 2002 all over again, when I bought AMAZON for 11.00/share! It was THAT exciting!

“So I want reassure black people everywhere that on May 30 y’all gonna see a new Afro-American-freindly Starbucks that’s gonna make Popeyes an KFC look played out, ya’ll.

“Shit gonna be like, bong-bong! Bong-bong, a’ite? Cool! Ima bounce, y’all. KJ out, bitches!”