VEN (SEATTLE) — After an employee at a Philadelphia Starbucks  created  an international sensation by calling police after two black men — who had not ordered anything to eat or drink, repeatedly asked to use the bathroom reserved for paying customers, and finally refused several requests to either buy something or leave — Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced a new diversity training program to sensitize his employees to the special needs of African-Americans.

“Effective immediately,” Mr Johnson explained to reporters Monday, “all Starbucks‘ employees will be required to watch Spike Lee’s movie Clockers and the White Heaven episode of Boondocks.

“We are also implementing an intensive two-week Ebonics immersion seminar specifically designed for us by Rachel Dolezal and Shaun King to help us better understand and accommodate African-Americans.

“For example,  in the past if a black person ran into one of our inner-city cafes yelling for  — and I’m quoting now — uh muthaf***in ambulance — that person might have been ignored or asked for further clarification.

“Or — in some rare instances — if gunshots were being exchanged or a melee breaking out over the last rasin muffin — our employees might have overreacted and ducked behind the counter and called the police.

“Now if our employees hear the word ambulance we are directing  them to offer the person a free Americano, while calling the local hospital for an ambulance, instead of involving the police.

“The same goes for words like baffrrom and birfday.  

“So, for example,  if an African-American pulls out a gun and tells one of our employees Yo, is my birfday, bitch! Gimme dat latte, or Ima pop a cap in yow dumb cracker ass! the employee will now immediately give that person a free latte and a complimentary cookie or muffin, and if necessary everything in the cash register and his or her wallets.”

As reported by CNN, a Starbucks spokesperson reinforced Mr Johnson’s remarks, posting on the company’s Facebook page that the company is working with outside experts and community leaders to adopt best practices, including training to combat unconscious bias.

“Y’all, we jess be tryin’ to keep it real, a’ite?”  a contrite Mr Johnson explained, and denied a reporter’s assertion that he was in fact reinforcing a pejorative stereotype that black people are somehow dysfunctional and need to be treated differently from other groups.

“Das jess BULLSH*T!” a visibly angry Mr Johnson replied.  “Damn! Waz wrong wich y’all bitches?!”

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