VEN (MEXICO CITY) — According to White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee, Jared Kushner — the inscrutable, Sphinx-like, high-functioning idiot savant son-in-law advisor to President Trump — agreed to interrupt his cancer research this week to smooth over worsening relations with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto.
A furious Mr Nieto is reportedly threatening to break off diplomatic ties with the US, after discovering last night while watching 60 Minutes that Mr Trump not only slept with but possibly felched aging adult film star Stormy Daniels, Mr Nieto’s protegee and mistress of seventeen years, over 10 years before Mr Trump became president.
VEN‘s Senior International Correspondent J. J. Hunsecker reports that Mr Kushner — known internationally as the Mona Lisa of diplomacy — intends to offer Mexico a substantial discount (10% reportedly) on his family’s troubled 666 Park Avenue property, with an additional 5% off the asking price if the Mexican government agrees to a cash transaction (Swiss Marks, preferably) with the entire sum wired to a numbered bank account in either Zürich or the Cayman Islands within the next 90 days.
The deal is also rumored to include moving several US bump-stock factories to Juarez as part of a renegotiated NAFTA trade agreement.
White House officials speaking off the record denied reports that the unusual real-estate transaction is part of a quid pro quo deal involving President Trump signing a 1.3 Trillion (USD) Pork-laden Spending Bill Friday (described by critics as a monstrous liberal wet dream that even Hillary Clinton might have vetoed, if it somehow managed to pass a Republican-controlled Congress and made it to her desk) that prohibits Mr Trump from fulfilling his central campaign promise of building a wall on the Mexican border paid for by Mexico.
White House officials were quick to point out, however, that the spending bill does not prevent the President from continuing to Tweet/talk about a wall whenever he wants to until he is either impeached, voted out of office in 2018, or somehow manages to get re-elected in 2020 running as a Blue Dog Conservative Democrat.