VEN (MINNEAPOLIS) — If it wasn’t for bad luck 35 year old teenage Somali immigrant Youssef Mohamed would have no luck at all.

“I wish I were back in Mogadishu with my goat Abu and a monkey bladder full of khat,” a despondent Mr Mohamed told the judge at his arraignment Friday.

In a bizarre incident that unfolded on Interstate 335 Thursday, Mr. Mohamed became enraged when a Lyft driver cut off his Uber car in heavy traffic.

According to authorities, Mr Mohamed chased down the Lyft driver forcing him off the road where he proceeded to rape him at machete point in full view of horrified bystanders who immediately began filming the incident on their cell phones and calling 911.

The Lyft driver it turns out is Mr. Mohamed’s younger brother Ali, who owes Mr. Mohamed $15.00 (USD) and had been avoiding Mr Mohamed and directing his phone calls to voicemail for over 2 weeks.

As the assault continued, a woman — subsequently identified as Mr Mohamed’s mother Beydan Mohamed — exited the Lyft car and began screaming and beating Mr. Mohamed with her shoe, causing him to break off the attack, but not before inadvertently severing his mother’s shoe hand with his machete.

Shocked at what he had done, Mr Mohamed allegedly dropped his machete, jumped into his Uber car and accelerated into traffic, at which point he was immediately sideswiped by a Greyhound bus, causing him to lose control of his Uber car which swerved wildly and  overturned several times before finally coming to rest against a concrete embankment.

As a dazed Mr. Mohamed exited his Uber car, a Yellow Cab pulled off the road, and the cab driver — later identified as Mr. Mohamed’s uncle Acmed  Elmi who neighbors told VEN, is Beydan Mohamed’s clandestine lover — shot Mr Mohamed 5 times in the chest with a small-caliber handgun.

“I thought he was crazy Jew,” a distraught Mr Elmi told authorities, at which point this already strange story took  another very  strange — and nefarious — turn . . . .

As it turns out, the Mohamed/Elmi family was on its way to blow up the Mall of America!

And they had enough Semtex and C4 high explosives in the trunks of their vehicles to level a small town!

As FBI spokesperson James Clouseau explained to reporters Saturday, “The Mohamed/Elmi families were part of three separate ISIS terrorist cells, and were unaware of each other’s participation in the now-thwarted attack on the MOA.

“I want to stress that the FBI has had these terrorists cells under surveillance for over 5 years, and that unlike Boston, San Bernardino, Orlando, Las Vegas or Parkland this time the agency was on top of the situation from start to finish.

“Dumb luck and chance had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the apprehension of these terrorists, and that includes the Greyhound bus driver — another member of the cell and a cousin of Mr Mohamed — who was filling the empty bus with several tonnes of ammonium nitrate and barrels of diesel fuel when he was apprehended Thursday evening at a local Agway after the bus got a flat tire and the driver — unable to change the tire — placed a call to AAA.

“Again,  at no time whatsoever — and I want to stress this —  were the people of Minneapolis in any real, palpable danger!”