VEN (PISA) — How ironic that the man who popularized the Hindu–Arabic numeral system, and — inspired by the unbridled, exponential breeding habits of the Italian rabbit — gave the world the eponymous Fibonacci sequence, would have inadvertently predicted the end of Italians and Italian culture almost 800 years ago!
And yet Leonardo “The Golden Ratio” Fibonacci may have done just that!
“Imagine our surprise,” renown mathematician Professor Lamberto Laudisi explained to reporters Friday, “when we realized that if we substituted migrants for Fibonacci’s rabbits, compared their birthrates to native Italians, and factored in the ever-increasing rate of migration, that there will only be approximately 2500 native Italians left in Italy by 2075!
“The six American black women who checked the telemetry calculations that got America to the moon validated our calculations, so I can assure you, there is absolutely no room for error!”
Grappa and Strega sales spiked after the announcement, with many Italians simply refusing to work anymore and consoling each other over bruschette, scamorza, bottles of wine, and roasted pears.
One despondent Roman captured the mood of the nation when he was overheard remarking to friends:
“Who will be around to tell these melanzanas that it is unacceptable to drink cappuccino in the evening? Or order polenta in Rome? Or ask for butter for their bread? Or put grated cheese on seafood?
“Or worse still — Gesù Cristo! — who will throw them out of a ristorante when they ask for something ridiculous like Fettuccine Alfredo or Chicken Parmesan!?”
Concerned migrant watchers tell VEN that it is too soon to say if Professor Laudisi’s dire predictions are destined to come true, although the situation is indeed grave.
According to anonymous sources in the Vatican, the Holy Father is encouraging all able-bodied men — including the clergy — to take up a renewed interest in unmarried Italian women between the ages of 18 and 35, who — the Pontiff believes — are in their prime childbearing years.
“For the time being and as unnatural as it may at first appear,” Cardinal Angelo Little Angelo Cassarino told the College of Bishops late Saturday, “we must turn away from little boys.
“We have no other choice! The future of Italy lies in our hands!”