VEN (BERLIN) — Hansel and especially Gretel may have more to worry about than gingerbread houses and witches with murderous intentions if Chancellor Merkel gets her way.
After a 35-year-old Syrian migrant teenager complained to authorities that he and his 27-year-old teenage cousin were attacked by a German Shepard as they were attempting to sodomize a tiny faun five kilometers from Schramberg — Chancellor Angela Merkel informed the Bundestag today that she intends to ban all dogs, “regardless of breed” from the legendary Black Forest, effective immediately.
“These creatures are hateful to the Prophet and to Allah,” Ms Merkel explained to reporters Thursday. “They have no place in the New Germany, let alone the Schwarzwald!”
Although details are sketchy, apparently a local hunter intentionally let his dog off his tether to come to the aid of two hapless gnomes who were trying unsuccessfully to help the terrified faun ward off the migrants’ brutal sexual assault.
An outraged Chancellor Merkel is looking into lifetime reparations for the two aggrieved migrants, as well as pressing local authorizes to arrest the hunter for hate crimes and euthanize his “infidel crusader dog, who by his inexcusable blut und boden violence against two confused, frightened, innocent members of our glorious replacement population has disgraced the New Germany!”