VEN (HONOLULU) — A Grindr hookup that went sideways may have been responsible for the ballistic missile alert that panicked the Hawaiian Islands over the weekend.
According to reliable sources close to the investigation, the person responsible for issuing the ballistic missile alert was entertaining his recent Grindr hookup — who was not authorized to be in the building — by showing him the various DEFCON levels of alert when the shift changed.
The person who was to take the next shift recognized the unauthorized guest, and that’s when the trouble began. From the transcript of the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency security footage:
— What the fu . . . . La’Shandra? Is that you?
— Who’s La’Shandra?
— Yeah, who you callin’ La’Shondra. I’m LeVon!
— Damn, girl! You a MAN now?!
— Who you callin’ girl, fool? I will take out my extensions and strangle yow skinny azz!
(Scuffling sounds, screams, yelling, furniture being thrown, glass breaking)
— DAMN! What the hell did you just do?!!
— I ain’t no bitch!!
— Hell, LeVon — bitch or no bitch, when you smashed Jamal’s head with my keyboard y’all just started World War III!! You feel me?? Y’all just sent out a full-on muthaf***in ballistic missile alert! Damn! Ima lose my job now!
But that ain’t even the worst part! You wann know the worst part? I spent $100.00 on poppers and weed, an y’all ain’t even a MAN! Hell, girl! If I get outta here, Ima f***ing blow that bitch azz Grindr app up and y’all with it!
Developing . . . .