VEN (NEW YORK) — How off the rails is the Trump Administration? Pretty far off says Plaintiff’s Attorney Lisa Bloom, and Michael Wolff’s sensational tell all FIRE AND FURY just scratched the surface!
“We have people willing to come forward,” Ms Bloom told reporters Friday, “who will assert that major foreign policy decisions are regularly determined by the outcome of Chutes ‘N Ladder games with the President, who also relies on a special gold-plated Magic 8 Ball to guide his decisions.”
According to Ms Bloom, an exasperated General Kelly reportedly told a senior staffer that we were THIS CLOSE to a nuclear war in Europe after The President — furious that the White House kitchen had once again run out of Zweiback — insisted that the General give him the nuclear codes so he could “nuke Switzerland.”
Instead, the General suggested another game of Chutes And Ladders “just to be sure we’re doing the right thing here,” which the President lost after being distracted by Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons (“That Natasha is the best piece of tail The Moose will ever get. He should be all over that! What the f***’s wrong with him? Is he queer? He’s acting like he’s queer! And who the hell is Captain Peachfuzz?”).
“We can always get the President to watch cartoons,” a senior White House staffer reportedly told Ms Bloom, “which is the only way to control him.”
An avid fan of coloring books, Mr Trump buys thousands of dollars worth of Crayola Crayons every month, then forces his staff to remove all the orange crayons before he’ll use them.
“On the China trip,” another senior staffer told Ms Bloom, “someone screwed up and gave him ONLY orange crayons. He went nuts, started splashing the water out his bathtub, and sank all of his plastic boats. It was a nightmare!”
Another White House staffer confirmed the China incident, adding that the President — despite his boasts to the contrary — is a below-average colorer, even by kindergarten standards.
“Unlike Hillary Clinton, who had Huma do all her coloring for her, Mr Trump insists on coloring himself.
“And he colors like a chimpanzee, rarely stays inside the lines, and applies so much pressure that he uses up an entire box of crayons in a matter of minutes!
“Then when he’s done, he holds up the finished work like a petulant child, and we all have to tell him how wonderful it looks.
“If you’re honest and offer suggestions on how to stay inside the lines, you risk getting fired. Or worse — getting a handful of crayons thrown at you!
“That’s what happened to Scaramucci. That’s why he only lasted 10 days.”