VEN (Chappaqua) — Missing part of one eyebrow and her Prada heels still smoldering, a sooty, singed, and uncharacteristically disheveled Huma Abedin was seen entering her Park Avenue apartment Wednesday evening, after barely escaping a raging fire that started in a spare Clinton bedroom at the Chappaqua Compound earlier that day, in what authorities are calling a Tequila-fueled 50 Shades Of Gray sapphic assignation gone horribly wrong.
“You read about stuff like this online,” one firefighter told VEN‘s Marian Halcombe. “But to tell you truth, you never think someday you’ll get a call to put out one of these fires. It’s like something out of science fiction!”
Apparently after consuming copious amounts of Chardonnay and assorted boxed wines over a period of several days, a randy, out-of-control former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton became so aroused in the presence of her former lover that — like Old Krook in Bleak House — she began to spontaneously combust!
“The old lady was pretty worked up, from what the staff told us, watching internet porn all day and drinking Mescal,” one fire examiner told VEN. “So when Ms Abedin arrived and was shown up to the spare bedroom, the former Secretary of State lunged at her with such force that her glass eye popped out, startling the maid who apparently screamed bloody murder as it bounced along the hallway.
“Not many people know about the glass eye.
“Anyway, as the old lady started yelling at the maid to get the glass eye she started ripping Ms Abedin’s clothes off right then and there, when all of a sudden BOOM! she just burst into flames, setting the bed and then the house on fire!”
According to anonymous sources, this is not the first time Mrs Clinton has been afflicted by spontaneous combustion.
“She gets a kind of aura, like a migraine,” one close friend told VEN. “That’s what happened at the World Trade Center. She wasn’t having a seizure. She was just trying to get back to Scoobie before she burst into flames. When you see her Secret Service detail toss her into the SUV, that’s when she started to catch fire. They were desperately trying to smother the flames!”
Developing . . . .