I Grabbed Him On A Monday And My Heart Stood Still — Da Do Ron-Ron-Ron, Da Do Ron-Ron!

VEN (ROME)A topless Femen protestor with the phrase “God Is Woman” written on her chest and back in permanent Magic Marker (allegedly made from purloined Ash Wednesday ashes), tried to steal the baby Jesus from the Vatican Nativity Scene on Christmas Day,  because — as she explained to authorities — she was protecting  “Gesù Bambino”  from the rampant unbridled pedophilia that has severely damaged the integrity of the Catholic Church.

“They gave that pig Cardinal Law a great funeral, when they should have excommunicated him years ago or simply burned him at the stake!”

Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Carlo “The Little Movable Feast” Caponigri, denied reports that the as yet unidentified woman is the disaffected granddaughter of Roman Pontifex Emeritus Benedict XVI whose trust fund access had been rescinded on Christmas Eve,  or that the Curia had planned to use the plaster figurine of The Baby Jesus in their annual Illuminati/Ordo Templi Orientis celebrations later this month in Ibiza.

Developing . . . .