VEN (MONTGOMERY) — When “Jennifer” awoke last Christmas Day she couldn’t wait to see what her boyfriend, “Cal”, had gotten her for Christmas! Was it that pair of Etincelle de Cartier diamond earrings she been hinting about? The newest Birkin bag? Another Tuscan villa holiday complete with dinner at Osteria Francescana?
“Imagine my surprise when I looked at the hearth and there was my stocking overbrimming with coal! I couldn’t believe it! Sure, I slept with five or six of his friends a few times when he was out of town. And his father. Once. But I didn’t deserve that!”
SPLC spokesperson Robert Cohn agrees.
“Coal in a Christmas stocking is not only ecologically insensitive, and a shocking endorsement of climate change deniers like our current president; it also rises to the level of the SPLC standard for a hate crime, which is any act of retribution by someone we don’t like that makes anyone we do like feel unhappy, angry, or generally bad about themselves, no matter what they did to deserve it.
“In ‘Jennifer’s’ case, it’s certainly clear that she was more than justified in sleeping around on “Cal,” who — as a white male professional non-Jewish Irish Catholic living in Boston — undoubtedly voted for Donald Trump (possibly even a straight Republican ticket!) and is unlikely to have eaten — even once — at Taco Bell or Popeyes!
“So on ‘Jennifer’s’ behalf, the SPLC will be suing ‘Cal’ for 2.5 million dollars, and asking for a Himalayan crocodile Birkin Bag in additional punitive damages.”
Developing . . . .