How many times have you asked yourself —
WTF is that smokin’ hot babe doing with that obnoxious loser with gold chains and a fake ROLEX? Well, you should already know the answer to that question — the obnoxious “loser” with gold chains has money, and unlike the babe he’s with, the ROLEX is real.
But what if you don’t want the kind of girl who is only attracted to money?
According to VEN‘s Senior Relationship Correspondent, Alexander Portnoy, all women are attracted to money to some degree, but if you’re unwilling or unable to play the “rich guy card,” then you’ll need to prepare yourself for the following three tests you MUST pass in order to win her heart.
And remember, guys, no matter how ditzy they might appear, women are ruthlessly binary, so in those rare cases when money isn’t the deciding factor, they size up a guy using a sudden-death flowchart of ever-increasing importance, starting with:
1.) Can you make her laugh?
Women are by nature extremely unhappy 24/7 and don’t find other women funny. Laughter is like a drug to them, because it makes them forget how unhappy they are.
Ever notice when it’s girl’s night out all they do is shriek and yell Whoo-Hoo after doing shots of Cuervo, and get drunk as fast as they can? That’s because there’s no guy there to make them laugh, their gff’s are starting to make them feel miserable, so what else are they going to do?
Cut her out of the herd by making her laugh and it’s game on. Which immediately leads to . . . .
2.) Can you pretend to listen?
This one is REALLY important, but it’s not without a certain danger, because it’s counter-intuitive.
Women like to divide men into two categories at this point — potential lovers and guys who will listen to them complain for a long time, and WORSE try to solve all their crazy problems for them.
Don’t be the caring, emotional tampon guy. If you do that, you lose!
The trick here is to pretend to listen for a little while, nod and answer with “That Sucks” a few times, and then start looking distracted.
Do that, and instead of making you her new best gay friend, she’ll pick up on the vibe that you could be an alpha male whose patience is running out, in which case — if she’s in to you — she’ll stop complaining, wet her lips, and suddenly ask YOU a very direct no-nonsense question about yourself — usually what you do for a living.
Congratulations! You are about to enter the ultimate worthiness assessment zone. Which brings us to . . . .
3.) Can you transport her to another world?
This is where you get to showcase your complete array of alpha male talents. You’re going for the hat trick here. The goal is to say something that will make her laugh, raise your ultimate worthiness value, and create much-needed mystery and intrigue.
NOTE: If you tell the truth here, you lose. If you don’t believe me, then watch Last Tango In Paris again.
It’s all about casting spells, guys. And except for the no-nonsense, peter-pan-collared-blouse-buttoned-to-the-neck, hyper-critical, chronic-list-making, sensible-shoe-wearing Virgos, the ladies love to be mesmerized!
And why would you be hitting on a Virgo in the first place? Are you really that drunk? FWIW Virgos are the great buzz kill of the Zodiac. Unless you’re a Pisces who can’t get anywhere on time or a masochist who’s looking for a termagant to make him feel like he’s six years old for the rest of his life, steer clear. More on this later.
Anyway, when she asks you what you do for a living, don’t tell her you’re a lawyer or an engineer or a building contractor or whatever and then spend 15 minutes talking about your job before asking if she’d like another drink.
Do that, and she might take the drink, but it’s Game Over, Man.
Remember — your job is to mystify her! Astonish and astound her!
So maybe you tell her that you make dreams come true. Or that you used to make dreams come true, but now you’re not so sure anymore. Or that you’re in the business of making unhappy people happy — for a price!
Anything except what you really do — unless you’re a spy or a real-life action hero.
And what you tell her HAS to be funny! And it HAS to make her want to “figure you out” and know MORE about you! And it MUST transport her from her boring unfunny marketing manager life to an enchanting, adventurous, compelling land of incredibly thrilling make-believe that only YOU can create for her!
And then . . . .
4.) You get her number and disappear.
— Next, The Delicate Art Of Reappearing —