VEN (ROME) — After listening to Tom Wait’s iconic album Heart Attack and Vine with Pope Emeritus and Prada Fashion Plate Benedict XVI in early December, a distraught Pope Francis announced that the Pater Noster (Our Father in English) should be changed to indicate that it is Satan, and not God, who leads us into temptation.
Vatican Spokesman Cardinal Luigi “The Big Cassock” Bonanno told reporters Thursday that His Holiness was concerned that The Faithful might start to question the efficacy of a Supreme Being who drank heavily and while intoxicated encouraged Believers to engage in sinful behavior.
“First the little boy thing and now this. I mean Marone! It ain’t like we don’t got enough trouble as it is!”
However, Biblical scholars disagree with the Pope’s decision.
Professor Abraham Van Helsing of Georgetown University explains that the original Koine Greek text as well as St Jerome’s literal Latin translation are quite clear — the Lord’s Prayer beseeches the Heavenly Father not to test the Faithful with trials and tribulations (a silent allusion, perhaps, to Abraham and The Book of Job) but instead to deliver them from the Evil in the world.
“The Jews knew that they were dealing with an unstable guy who was clearly bi-polar, and in all likelihood regularly abused drugs and alcohol. They were so afraid of offending the guy, that they forbade the mention of his name, and to this day still refer to Him as Ha Shem, ‘The Name.’
“Not surprisingly, many contemporary Torah scholars actually argue that God is in fact a woman, since the behavior is so erratic, violent, frightening, and unpredictable.
“In Genesis, for example, God gets angry and kills everyone in the world in a great flood except Noah and Noah’s family, then afterwards explains that each time it rains He’ll create a rainbow to remind Himself not to kill everyone again.
“AFTER it rains? What good is that? Would a guy do something like that? No, a guy would make a rainbow appear BEFORE it rained to remind him not to kill everyone again just because he was having a bad day.
“Then later in Genesis, God pressures Abraham to kill his son Issac as proof of Abraham’s love for and devotion to God. What guy would do that?
“Sure God sends an angel at the last-minute to stop Abraham, but so what? Would another guy “test” your friendship like that? Very unlikely, but a crazy woman off her meds suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and knocking back five shots of Cuervo after slashing your tires would!
“Every. Damn. Time!
“And don’t get me started on Job! What guy would do that to another guy!
“The only good thing that came out of that, by the way, was its retreatment in Trading Places!
“No, instead of re-translating the Pater Noster, the Pope — speaking ex cathedra — should immediately proclaim that God is a woman.
“And not just any woman.
“A batsh!t crazy woman who is probably suffering from BPD with possible Narcissistic Affect.
“So if The Faithful want to avoid temptation and God’s wrath — His Holiness should explain — we need to remember that She needs lots of reassurances of our affection, our undivided attention, frequent presents, at least 10% of our money, and above all else unquestioning 100% 24/7 blind devotion.
“Or else ….”