Uncommonly Bad Keebler Elves Destroy Hollow Tree® In Meth Lab Explosion

VEN (Sylvan Glenn) — Residents  in the Valley of The Giant awoke to blaring fire and police sirens  and the acrid smell of burnt Pecan Sandies early Thursday morning, as neighboring Slyvan Glenn was reduced to ashes after a methamphetamine super lab exploded in the storied Keebler Elves’ Hollow Tree®, setting the entire Glenn on fire.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” an exhausted Fire Chief Wunorse Openslae told reporters Friday morning, as firefighters continued to fight the blaze.  “From what I understand, there was a huge fireball that could be seen all the way to Oz.   A Franklin Food Elf who was 200 miles away called it in.”

Keebler Elf spokesperson, Ernest J. Keebler — who became CEO in 1998 when his father and Keebler founder J.J. Keebler retired — told reporters Friday that he is “devastated” by the tragedy.

“Countless Keebler elves are missing, Slyan Glenn and our home — the Hollow Tree® — have been destroyed, and  our magical cookie factory is no more.

Sylvan Glenn and the Hollow Tree® in happier times.

“And all because a few greedy elves wanted to sell crank to a bunch of tweekers in Crunch Island and Frostbite Falls.”

Sadly, the damage has extended far beyond Sylvan Glenn.

VEN has learned that as a result of the massive shock wave, over 1000 Elf’s on a Shelf toppled off their shelves falling onto the floor, many sustaining compound fractures, severed limbs,  and severe head and spinal injuries.  It may be several weeks, perhaps months — ER doctors told VEN — before they will be able to sit on a shelf again.

What if any impact this will have on Christmas is unknown at this time, as the North Pole headquarters of  Klaus-Feinstein, Inc — which owns more than 85% of Christmas — could not be reached for comment.

Developing . . . .