Israel Announces Tel Aviv Will Be Its New Capital, Confusing Everyone

VEN (JERUSALEM) — In a move some say is designed to create massive cognitive dissonance in the Palestinian community, just days after President Trump made good on his campaign promise to move the American Embassy to Jerusalem,  early Friday morning Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu  proclaimed  Tel Aviv as the new capital of Israel.

According to America’s Finest News Source, The Onion — which allegedly broke the story — within minutes of the announcement,  over 12,000 rioting members of Hamas and Hezbollah were admitted to hospitals in the Gaza Strip and Jordan suffering from severe whiplash and blinding cluster headaches.

“All the signs we made are worthless now,” one despondent rioter told reporters.  “I am so angry, I could blow myself up!”

In Ankara, Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan spun around so violently after hearing the news that he lost his balance, tripped,  and fell onto the floor of the royal palace, ripping his trousers in three places and severely damaging his monocle.

And anti-Trump CNN — which had uncharacteristically praised Trump’s decision to move the American embassy to Jerusalem — immediately called for him to leave it where it is, although controversial  panelist Gloria Borger suggested that the President just get  it over with and move the embassy to Bensonhurst where it belongs.

Developing . . . .