VEN (SEOUL) — In a country already suffering from extreme deprivation, The Magnorious Supreme Kool Pop And Master Of The Galaxy Kim Jong-un announced late Tuesday that he will be raising condo fees 10% throughout the tiny nation in a desperate attempt to continue funding the spiraling, out-of-control costs of his ongoing ballistic missile program.
His Grand Ooom-Pah-Pah-Ness addressed the nation on national radio early Wednesday morning, in a speech which many Kim watchers believe was heavily influenced by his association with longtime BFF and cross-dressing former NBA rebound specialist, Denis Rodman.
The transcript, released by the KCNA, North Korea’s official Korean Central News Agency, reads in part:
“Now that Trump has denied the existence of and insulted me and my country in front of the eyes of the world and made the most ferocious declaration of war in history that he would destroy the DPRK [Democratic People’s Republic of Korea], we will consider with seriousness exercising a corresponding, highest level of hard-line countermeasure in history.
“But y’all, lookey here — peep this, y’all! In order for that countermeasure to happen, in order for us to make Trump our bitch, we gonna need some MAD muthaf***in scrilla! I’m talkin’ racks on racks on racks of crazy fat stacks! Shit just got real, aight? We got to start f^^^in Trump’s shit up! RIGHT NOW! Damn! You feel me? Cuz I ain’t playin’ wich y’all!”
In a country where it takes a month’s salary to buy a 250 gram tin of state-produced Kim Jong-un’s Fantabulous DPRK Kim Chi, a 10% raise in condo fees seems excessive and ill-advised, one anonymous source told VEN.
“People on fixed incomes will once again suffer the most. Instead of raising condo fees, he should renegotiate the maintenance and snow removal contracts, revisit his insurance policy (are there cheaper carriers?) and see if he can reduce management fees, which in all likelihood are excessive.
“Or failing that, just arrest and execute the incompetent landscapers who volcano mulched the few remaining trees in Pyongyang, ensuring their slow, inexorable death.
“The North Koreans don’t need another special assessment to address that problem.”
Developing . . . .