VEN (ROME) — After meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at the Vatican Friday, His Holiness issued a papal decree Monday, prohibiting altar boys from appearing at Mass until after the Consecration.
Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Eddie “The Golden Chalice” Agazzi told reporters Monday that the Pope is looking to reduce misunderstandings and certain secular “temptations” among the Catholic clergy and — following the example of the NFL — will restrict the appearance of altar boys “until the appropriate time.”
“This is not a ban, as has been reported, but more of a kind of détente intended to enhance the religious experience of the Mass. I mean who needs a bunch of teens, tweens, and in-betweens running around up there making everyone uncomfortable? It’s really better this way — believe me — for everyone involved.”
Cardinal Agazzi denied reports that the decree comes in the wake of declining Church revenue, although he did admit that attendance and donations have markedly declined since the many and various sexual abuse scandals involving the clergy and little boys have, as the Cardinal explained, “unfortunately been made public.”
Developing . . . .