VEN (CAMBRIDGE) — Hailed as an icon of the Progressive Left, truth-challenged, plagiarist,  sensibly-shoed, laughably daffy-esque iconoclast Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), told reporters Monday that not only does she cut her own hair and refuse to wear makeup, but she hasn’t had sex with her second  husband —  former America’s Test Kitchen host, Bruce Mann — in over 35 years!

And she NEVER felt better!

“In my first book Sisterhood is Powerful,  I explain that freedom from the bondage of what I call male ravaging is essential to the growth of the true feminine psyche, a theme which I elaborated on at great length in my next book, The Feminine Mystique.

“Men — especially powerful, white, goal-focused,  heterosexual men who view themselves as providers and protectors (what I call big dumb door openers) — are anathema to the true feminist.

“Believe me, I went down that trail of tears with my first husband, and I vowed never to do it again.

“Once you fall into the toilet for the third time in the middle of the night, something happens.  It changes you.

“As we used to say when I was growing up in Oklahoma,  A very great vision is needed and the woman who has it must follow it as the eagle seeks the deepest blue of the sky!

“As those of you who’ve read my third and perhaps most controversial book Wretched Of The Earth understand,  as women we can only win what is rightfully ours once we overcome and extinguish the usurped repressive hegemony of the neo-colonial,  white, male chauvinist, remote-control-hoarding, heterosexual devil!

“You want that bowl on the tallest shelf?  Buy a step stool.  You can’t get that pickle jar opened?  Run the lid under hot water for three minutes.  You lose your car keys or lock yourself out of your Prius again?  That’s what AAA is for!

“And get a fly swatter — I can tell you from personal experience that yes, you better believe it, they kill spiders, too!”