VEN (WASHINGTON) — After backing down from his defense of Judge Roy Moore and giving him an unprecedented 24-hour ultimatum Tuesday night to prove his innocence or end his Senatorial campaign, an emotional Sean Hannity revealed Wednesday that he is reconsidering his plans to transition to a woman.
“I feel, I mean I’ve always felt that I would be more comfortable as a cocktail waitress or Mata Hari type seductress if given the chance. And now — thanks to modern medicine and heroes like Bruce Jenner and Michael Robinson, I finally have that chance! Three months ago I was all for it, but now I just don’t know.”
Mr Hannity further explained that — against doctor’s orders — he has been taking twice the recommended dose of estrogen to “speed things along,” but lately the side-effects have been affecting his work and he needs to cut back.
“I’m crying all the time for no reason, I have terrible night sweats, I can’t throw a perfect spiral anymore, and lately I’ve been so moody. Everything drives me nuts, I can’t concentrate, I get so angry at EVERYONE, and for the first time in my life, I just can’t seem to make up my mind!
“When Kuerig pulled their advertising from my show, I was heartbroken!
“I took a Darvon and locked myself in my office with a bottle of Sauternes and just cried and cried. For hours!
“I even thought about getting all dressed up and drowning myself in a lavender-scented bath! To make them, you know, the Kuerig guys, to make them sorry they were ever born!
“But then Lachlan finally called me back and told me everything would be alright if I just stopped defending Judge Moore. He called it my chance for another Seth Rich moment! I just love Lachlan! He’s so much nicer to me than Roger, who basically saw me as nothing more than Bill O’Reilly’s bloated, fawning, half-assed catamite.”