VEN (NAIROBI) — In a move described as neo-colonial racist imperialism by the African Union, Sandals Resorts International announced Sunday that they are suspending plans to open a series of resorts on Africa’s Eastern coast, after another outbreak of plague strikes Madagascar, which health officials fear is being spread by Famadihana, the bizarre local tradition of exhuming corpses and then “dancing with the dead,”
“If we want to dance with the dead, we should not have to get permission from WHO or the United States, let alone Sandals International,” President Hery Rajaonarimampianina explained to reporters from the Presidential Palace in Antananarivo Sunday.
“It is a sacred tradition in Madagascar that every Wednesday is Famadihana Night at the local clubs, where your corpse gets in for free, with half-price jenkem from 4:00-7:00.
“Why do you think our neighbors in Mozambique are killing bald men for the gold inside their heads? Because they want to travel to Madagascar and enjoy our vibrant club scene!
“And let me tell you something, a little plague never hurt anyone!
“You have more to fear from machete attacks, AIDS, Ebola, and gang rape! The whole thing is just ridiculous, even by Western standards!”