VEN (ROME) —  Citing the Gospel of Luke and St Paul’s Letter to the Galatians, The Red Pope admonished the black and blue Catholic faithful Friday, to renounce the empty temptations of the carnal world, and turn their hearts towards God instead.

Meanwhile, the Vatican denied reports that His Holiness had once again reached out to Glamor Model Victoria Xipolitakis to help “scare the gay out of him” and return him to the path of righteousness, this time after a particularly troubling period for the liberal Jesuit pontiff that coincided with the 2017 International Cub Scout Jamboree held in Rome during the first week of October.

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