VEN (HARTFORD) — Virtue signaling social justice warrior and sports-illiterate Jemele Hill — reluctantly removed from the air by ESPN for advocating a boycott of Dallas Cowboy’s sponsors after owner Jerry Jones affirmed that anyone who does not stand for the National Anthem will not play — is fed up with the White Man’s “bullsh!t neo-colonialist tyranny,” anonymous sources tell VEN, and is in negotiations with Jacob Zuma, South Africa’s President and titular head of the African National Congress, to start a sub-Saharan football league as early as late 2018.
Mr Zuma is reportedly interested both in sponsoring a team — the South African Fire Necklaces — and acting as the first league commissioner, provided the United States is willing to give him 200 billion dollars in “emergency football aid” to ensure the success of the new league.
However, controversial Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe — considered critical to the success of the new league — is not yet on board.
“Mr Mugabe would need assurances that no white people would have anything to do with any Pan-African Football League, either as players or owners, before he will entertain participating in the league — and this includes kickers and punters,” an anonymous government official told VEN Tuesday.
“And of course Zimbabwe would require no less than 300 billion dollars in aid from the United States to underwrite a new stadium in Harare.
“Also, an exclusive branding deal with Nike would be a nice to have, which President Mugabe is currently discussing with UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.”
An infuriated Ms Hill denied reports Monday that African leaders are considering rule changes that would allow offensive players to carry machetes and automatic weapons during games, or that personal fouls would result in the immediate amputation of the offending limb and/or the removal of an ear.
She also denounced the “white racist press” for suggesting that Sierra Leone and Nigeria are ready to go to war over the team name “The Raging Ebolas” or that Haiti’s President Jovenel Moïse has expressed interest in joining the league, as long as Americans will take care of everything for him, as they have already done for over 100 years.
Developing . . . .