Night Train, Quaaludes Result In Unhappy Ending For Former First Lady

VEN (WASHINGTON) — As reported by Breitbart, on Wednesday — three days after the Las Vegas shooting — former First Lady Michelle Obama told the Pennsylvania Conference for Women that  Republicans are “all men, all white,”  which is why people of color “don’t trust politics.”

While roundly condemned for her insensitive, seemingly racist remarks by conservatives, this was just the beginning of a very bad day for Mrs Obama.

As anonymous sources tell VEN, later that evening the now zaftig Mrs Obama gorged herself on room service cheeseburgers and chili fries, which she washed down with copious amounts of boxed wine and “purple drank” or “lean,” a drink popular in African-American neighborhoods consisting of prescription, codeine cough medicine and Hawaiian punch, typically garnished with a brace of  Jolly Ranchers.

“She had just ordered an entire blueberry pie from room service, when  her private security man — a man she refers to as Mr Snuff — arrived with a small bag of quaaludes and several chilled bottles of the former First Lady’s favorite wine, Night Train Express.

“That’s when all hell broke loose.

“Mrs Obama began high-fiving Mr Snuff, screaming, My ni**a, y‘all got the 411 on the 714s!  Every!  Damn!  Time!

“While this was going on there was a knock on the door, and in comes a Korean masseuse with her table and oils.  Michelle — who’s pretty wasted now — starts trying to unzip her floral print skirt for the massage, yelling at the girl to skip all the bullshit foreplay, China Doll, and get right to the muthaf***in happy ending, bitch!

“The girl dropped her table and bag and ran screaming out of the room, at which point Michelle turned around, looked everyone over, and bellowed Which one y’all gonna be my HUMA!

“Thankfully, before anyone could answer, the ludes and Night Train kicked in, and Michelle got this crazy-eyed look, started rambling something about jock itch and football, took a few wobbly steps forward, and then passed out cold on the floor.”

Members of her Secret Service detail who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed the events to VEN‘s Senior Political Correspondent Dirk Diggler Thursday, and pointed out that this episode — as shocking as it might be to those unfamiliar with the former First Lady’s private life —  was actually  “mild by comparison.”

Developing . . . .