VEN (UTAH) — Hamilton may have gotten it right after all!
If their findings can be confirmed — and Ancestry.com believes they will be — the rag-tag army of George Soros-funded Marxist Social Justice Warriors may have to severely scale back their statue desecrations, which has become the defining moment of their hipster alt-left neo-Maoist Cultural Revolution.
As company spokesperson Chad Merton told reporters Wednesday from Ancestry.com headquarters in Lehi, Utah, “DNA samples that we received — along with the necessary provenance from the families — indicate that all of the founding fathers of the United States, as well as Christopher Columbus and we think Confederate generals Robert E Lee and Stonewall Jackson were either themselves black men from the Sudan or descendants of Sudanese black men originally from sub-Saharan Africa.
“In the case of Robert E Lee and Stonewall Jackson, like Homer Plessy, they were both mixed-race octoroons “passing” as white men, although Lee may have been a hexadecaroon.
“Christopher Columbus was a descendant of the Kumba Tribe in present day Zambia. And many of the founding fathers can trace their lineage back to the Kru and Gola people in what is now Liberia.”
Unofficial Antifa spokesman self-identifying as “Carlos” reacted to the news with what he termed “suspicious optimism.”
“Well, yeah, that would really be great — if it’s true. We’re telling our people to temporarily suspend actions against statues of those guys until we get more information.
“Meanwhile, we’ll continue to go after Teddy Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson, and of course Abraham Lincoln — the so-called Great Emancipator. Some emancipator. He should have done way more sooner!
“Or — wait a minute — are you guys gonna tell me he was a black dude, too? He’s still a white dude, right? Jesus, I sure hope so. Otherwise that would totally suck!”
Developing . . . .