VEN (ROME) — The Red Pope reveals in his new sacred and shockingly profane tell-all autobiography that many years ago — before he was the Pope — he consulted a psychiatrist to “clarify a few things.”
Although the Vatican vigorously denies rumors that the Pope — then the 40-year-old head of the Jesuit Order in Argentina in the throes of a “mild” mid-life crisis — had an affair with the attractive female transgendered psychoanalyst he consulted — who’s avant-garde techniques included dressing as a stern, disapproving nun — anonymous sources tell VEN that during the six months the Pope was in analysis, he came to understand:
- It is not OK to abet a dictatorship or inform on congregants no matter how much money is involved up to a point.
- The Jews killed Jesus twice — once on the cross and a second time at Christmas when they insist on everyone saying “Happy Holidays.”
- You cannot get AIDS from a Ciborium.
- Girls can wear patent leather shoes, but only with slacks.
- If you bite the consecrated Host you are not irrevocably doomed to an eternity in Hell, but your time in Purgatory will be exponentially increased and your mother may get a life-threatening illness.
- Not all left-handed people are evil.
- Unlike a pedophile priest who repents, a divorced Catholic who remarries is living in a perpetual state of sin.