VEN (ROME) —  The Red Pope reveals in his new sacred and shockingly profane tell-all autobiography that many years ago — before he was the Pope — he consulted a psychiatrist to “clarify a few things.”

Although the Vatican vigorously denies rumors that the Pope — then the 40-year-old head of the Jesuit Order in Argentina in the throes of a “mild” mid-life crisis — had an affair with the attractive female transgendered psychoanalyst he consulted — who’s avant-garde techniques included dressing as a stern, disapproving nun —  anonymous sources tell VEN that during the six months the Pope was in analysis, he came to understand:

• It is not OK to abet a dictatorship or inform on congregants no matter how much money is involved up to a point.
• The Jews killed Jesus twice — once on the cross and a second time at Christmas when they insist on everyone saying “Happy Holidays.”
• You cannot get AIDS from a Ciborium.
• Girls can wear patent leather shoes, but only with slacks.
• If you bite the consecrated  Host you are not irrevocably doomed to an eternity in Hell, but your time in Purgatory will be exponentially increased and your mother may get a life-threatening illness.
• Not all left-handed people are evil.
• Unlike a pedophile priest who repents, a divorced Catholic who remarries is living in a perpetual state of sin.

Read more @ The Telegraph