VEN (OREGON) — Cal Preston, a local Portland bee keeper, became obsessed with his bees to the point of gathering nectar on Q-Tips and sleeping next to his hives for months on end even in the dead of winter until finally — according to his ex-wife Oksana — he came to her five years ago covered in bees and told her he was species and sexually dysphoric and had decided to transition to a Queen Bee.
“He want to borrow pair of stiletto heel, to feel more ‘regal’. I tell him bees not wear the shoe, crazy man, let alone Manolo Blahnik’s! I not come all way from Ukraine to be wife of bee! We have the pre-nup!
“He get angry, bees get angry, so I spray them little with the RAID and they back off. Then I call lawyer and file for divorce!”
Now the former CIS-gendered man known legally as Queen Meliflula Preston is having second thoughts.
“I miss Denny’s. I miss my wife. Five years of royal jelly is wrecking my teeth, but no dentist will see me.
“I have no friends anymore, and everywhere I go I have to take the whole hive with me.
“It makes driving impossible. I’ve been banned from public transportation, and Uber drivers — when they see me — they just keep on going.
“I’ve been shunned. The town treats me like I was a Trump voter!
“And the constant buzzing is driving me crazy! It’s ten times worse than tinnitus! And laying all these bee eggs 24/7 — Jesus, it’s f***ing KILLING me!”
Developing . . . .