I Wish I Knew How To Quit You

VEN (TEXAS) —  As his 2018 reelection campaign gets underway, the suddenly patriotic Talleyrand of Uniparty Politics, Speaker Paul Ryan (U-WI), spent almost an entire day at the US/Mexican border last week “investigating,” while his staff created a video —  loosely based on Leni Riefenstahl’s Triumph des Willens — promoting Mr Ryan’s sudden pretend new-found love for Mr Trump’s controversial border wall with Mexico.

Predictably, the whole thing looked like what it was — a trite, disingenuous, self-serving gesture targeting the low-information voter in Wisconsin’s 1st District.

However, according to several anonymous senior Border Patrol agents, Mr Ryan was examining more than just the Texas/Mexican border on this junket.

stable-boy“The stable hand, Juan, told us that Mr Ryan gave him 100.00 for some time alone with one of the stallions.  Later, Juan became suspicious when he heard strange noises coming from one of the stalls, and observed Mr Ryan naked drinking from a  bottle of Mescal with his arm around Racer, while watching what appeared to be Brokeback Mountain on his iPhone.

“Juan yelled at him to stop, and then ran and got us.  When we got to the stables,  Mr Ryan had emerged from the structure tucking in his shirt and talking on his cell phone.  He waved at us and continued walking back to where his entourage was waiting for him.  They left almost immediately after that.”

Mr Ryan’s office denies the allegation that any such “horseplay” took place.  However, VEN has learned, this is not the first time Mr Ryan has run afoul of livestock.

According to anonymous 4-H Club sources, Mr Ryan was banned from the Wisconsin State Fair in 2007 for “mishandling” Miss Daisy, the winner of the Big Boar competition, after fair-goers complained that a clearly impaired Mr Ryan was groping and fondling the sow.

Mr Ryan’s office released a statement contending that the Congressman had suffered a recurrence of the malaria he contracted two years earlier in Iowa, and had mistaken the hog for his sister, Janet, whom he had not seen for several months.

Developing . . . .