VEN (WASHINGTON) — Although the Republicans hold a majority in both houses of Congress, have a Republican president, and had seven years to craft a replacement for the Affordable Care Act, they still have no viable health care plan of their own.

“The problem,” one senior Congressional Aide told VEN, “is that for the last 30 years almost all legislation has been written by the K Street lobbyists.  Congressmen do not write their own bills anymore.

“In the case of an Obamacare replacement, the lobbyists don’t want to see that happen, so they refused to write the legislation.  That’s why the replacement bill was kept “secret.”

“First Paul Ryan and then Mitch McConnell were actually begging the insurance/big pharma guys to write the bill, and getting nowhere.

“Finally, with the President growing impatient, they had their interns throw something together, which — of course —  had no chance of passing.  Ryan actually had his barber write the section on pre-existing conditions.”

And yet there is an even darker side to all of this.

A leading Mayo Clinic neurosurgeon — speaking on condition of anonymity — told VEN that he has personally treated 35 senators and over 300 representatives for drug addiction, lead poisoning and — as incredible as it sounds in 2017 — tertiary syphilis.

This seemingly incredulous claim was reinforced by a former intelligence officer turned high-priced private investigator who specializes in digging up dirt on Congressmen — or facilitating it — for K Street.

As “Mr X”  explained to VEN‘s  Senior Washington Correspondent Dirk Diggler,  “Like the Romans,  these guys drink wine out of lead cups all day long, then have unprotected sex at tax-subsidized drug-fueled orgies in The Old Executive Office Building with  professional escorts — both men and women — who pose as TSA or Department Of Homeland Security advisors.  Sometimes the lobbyists send hundreds of them over in chartered buses.

“These people are all Sybarites of the worst sort.

“John McCain did not have a blood clot removed above his eye.  I have an operative who was part of the surgical team. It was a gumma, OK?  Mitch McConnell is addicted to barbiturates.  Jeff Flake to crystal meth.  And Ben Sasse keeps not one but two crack pipes in his desk.

“It’s sort of like Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain, only much, much worse.  Most members of Congress look more or less healthy, because of all the cosmetic surgery they have done — Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters, for example.

“But in reality,  they are consumed by a  sordid collection of debilitating,  loathsome diseases and addictions, and many are suffering from full-blown dementia.

“All orchestrated by the K Street guys, of course,  and by extension the donor class.  That’s how they run Washington.  And those guys don’t like this president’s policies, so nothing will get done.

“Meanwhile, the MSM will continue talking about gridlock, which is their preferred euphemism for the lobbyist-inspired depravity and debauchery that passes for our Legislative branch of government.”