VEN (ATLANTA) — Anonymous sources tell VEN that declining ratings and serious problems with credibility are forcing America’s most trusted fake news network CNN to make some radical changes to their daytime programming in a desperate attempt to improve viewership ahead of their impending merger with AT&T.
“First of all,” an anonymous senior CNN executive told VEN’s Jonathon Wadd outside of Katz’s deli in New York, “we’re not all Jews, OK? And even if we were so what? It’s not like we’re pushing a liberal, pro-Israel agenda, right? Or calling for an end to Christmas, for Christ sake!
“And no, our coverage of Trump has nothing to do with his refusal to engage in a quid pro quo deal with us. That’s just more anti-Semitic bullsh!t. It’s not like we just sell out to the highest bidder. It’s much more complicated than that.”
But the executive confirmed big changes are ahead for the network.
First on the chopping block are the co-hosts of the failing NEW DAY, whose ratings are currently tracking well behind Gilligan’s Island and Hogan’s Heroes reruns on MeTV.
“Cuomo’s a schmuck. His brother did a favor for Jeff, and so we took care of him. Big mistake. He’s our Fredo, and he’s killing us. The shiksa? I’m going no comment on that one. Let’s just say — off the record — she also did a favor — a couple of favors — for Jeff, and leave it at that.
“A Lesley Stahl she is not. My toupee is smarter than her, OK? And better looking.
“Would we consider hiring cartoon characters? Are we in talks with Hanna-Barbera Productions? Do we like Yogi and Boo Boo? Who doesn’t like Yogi and Boo Boo? Frankly, their Q Scores are off the chart!
“They could be the next Joe and Mika, only bigger, much bigger! We do a running series on Trump/Russians/missing picinic baskets, throw in a Ranger Smith doing straight political commentary like Krauthammer, a Zaftig roving correspondent like a Jessica Rabbit, and who knows?
“Let’s face it, no matter how bad it might be, it can’t be worse than what we’ve got now!”