VEN (San Juan) — Ricky “The Ricardo” Rosselló, the award-winning world-famous salsa-dancing governor of Puerto Rico — a now bankrupt unincorporated territory of the United States — announced Monday that his administration is in talks with Amway to become the exclusive Caribbean distributer for the complete Amway product line.
“This we hope will be the key to our economic revival!” Mr Rosselló told reporters Monday.
“You want to wax your floors in Tortuga? Today, that is a very hard thing. Where do you get the wax? It’s not as if it grows on trees! But soon, you will call 1-800-SanJuan and one of our many senior Amway representatives will have the right wax for your particular application on its way to you RAPIDO! Yes, my friend, sometimes depending on volume and availability, in less than 24 hours!
“Do you have a large, extended family in The Dominican? No problema! You can easily become one of our valued first-rung Amway representatives and start your own Amway network in your own barrio! We’ll show you how to get Papito, Tia Maria, y El Cunado out in the streets selling Health and Beauty products for you in no time!
“Or maybe you are one of the many unfortunate earthquake-displaced Haitians drinking that filthy water in Hinche and Port Au Prince? Not anymore! With Amway’s eSpring water filtration system we will make those muddy, effluent-laden puddles shine like the sun again!
“The same is true in Cuba, Turks and the Caicos, Trinidad — anywhere in the Caribbean! Whether it’s household cleaning, health and beauty, vitamins, energy drinks, or water filtration, your one stop shopping begins in San Juan and ends at the El Dorado of your own imaginings!
“Yes, mes amigos, as hard as it is to believe, soon the gypsies will be selling ice in the streets again! Only this time the ice will be made in shops with floors cleaned and waxed by Amway, and with water filtered by eSpring — the first water filtration system to combine a carbon block filter and ultraviolet light with electronic-monitoring technology in the filter cartridge itself! Madre de Dios! Can you believe it!”